A Good Woman Goes to War (War Doctor and SJ)

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"You've messed things up plenty of times over the years." 

The Renegade looked at her and sighed sadly. “Yes I have made mistakes in my past Sarah Jane, but they’ve always been for the good of something, to help something, they’ve always been in the name of the Doctor. What I did was terrible beyond words. It went against everything that made me who I was. It made me no longer the Doctor, but it pales compared to what I plan to do should all else fail. No matter what I must end this war. The Daleks must not win.”

"What makes you think. . . . after everywhere we've been and everything we've done-" 

As she began to grow more passionate in her words the Time Lord felt sure he was about to experience a smack from the woman. So instead of explaining himself he fell silent and let her finish. He would do his best to explain to her what had happened, assuming she didn’t storm off before he could. He just hoped she let him explain.

"Do ya' think I'd just up and leave now? Turn my back on you?"

When she asked those questions he decided he’d answer them separately despite them meaning virtually the same thing. He tackled the first on first. “You wouldn’t have been the first one who left me.” The memory of his last companion choosing death over him rescuing her flashed through his mind’s eye like a stab through his hearts. He’d never forget that moment, the cold chill of reality that she would rather die than be rescued by him. With that memory in mind he answered her next question.

“You wouldn’t be the first to turn your back on me. After all I turned my back on myself, my companion turned hers on me, the universe itself seems hell bent on making me die alone.” He stopped himself before he continued that line of thought. He just hoped she didn’t ask him why he didn’t call his former companion by her name when normally he was proud to. That would be a very hard question to answer, and one he was not entirely sure he wanted to.

"Did you forget me? How many did we kill together? And now you think I'd judge you? That the universe will judge you?"

He looked at her simply and answered her question with three simple sentences. “I could never forget you Sarah Jane. You and the Doctor killed when you had no other option, I kill because I know no other option. There is no judging that is harsher than that of oneself Sarah Jane.” He looked sad momentarily and turned away. “You must hate me.”

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She wanted to grab him and shake him and make him stop playing this silly game.  But he wasn't human.  He was a Time Lord, and as often as she'd teased him about it, each of them had to learn about the other's species.  To accept.  If she poo pooed him now, it would hurt him.

To her surprise, she found her face was wet with tears that had fallen unnoticed by her.  Tears for her old dear friend and what had happened to him. 

"I don't hate you.  I always knew you'd be the one to fall.  Oh,-" her words were picking up steam- "I know we never promised each other in so many words . . .but  . .but we both know that change that happens at the holy end of a gun never lasts. It sure as hell is easier though isn't it?!"

She stomped around to get in front of him again, and so help her if he dare turn away like a child.

"I knew you'd cave first, because you're more selfless than me and we both know it.  But by the stars!! I never thought you'd break so soon.  It's only been five years! Did . . . . ." Her jaw set a little as she tried and failed not to judge. "Did you do it for someone who traveled with you?"

It was hard not to say 'a woman'.

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"I don't hate you. I always knew you'd be the one to fall. Oh,-"

Renegade watched Sarah Jane as she seemed to go through several emotions at once. He couldn’t blame her really. She’d just been told one of her best friends was dead, that he replaced her friend, not to mention that the War had caused all this. The fact she didn’t hate him though shocked him beyond belief. “I wasn’t the first to fall. Many have fallen, I was just the first to fall and return as something more, something different.” He looked away from her once more ashamed.

"I know we never promised each other in so many words . . .but . .but we both know that change that happens at the holy end of a gun never lasts. It sure as hell is easier though isn't it?!"

He looked at Sarah Jane confused by her words. Wasn’t it clear to her that the changes he’d suffered were permanent? Hadn’t he explained to her that the Doctor was dead and not returning? Sighing he kept looking at her and then sighed. “It is much easier when all you know is death and destruction. I was born into the War, have known nothing but the War, there is no changing for me. I am doomed to fight it.” He turned away from her trying to keep her from seeing the pain in his eyes. He couldn’t let her suffer any more.

"I knew you'd cave first, because you're more selfless than me and we both know it. But by the stars!! I never thought you'd break so soon. It's only been five years! Did . . . . ."

The Renegade returned his gaze to her, he kept his emotions hidden behind a cool mask, if she insisted on him keeping her gaze then he would in the way he knew best. He’d keep his emotions hidden from her behind a mask of anger. “It’s been much longer for me Sarah Jane. So much longer. I broke after fighting the War for several hundred years, and have fought in it several hundred years more.” Leaving it at that he remained silent waiting to hear her response.

"Did you do it for someone who traveled with you?"

He knew what she meant, another woman, another companion. “No. I did it because of my former companion. She hated me so much she chose to commit suicide rather than allow me to save her. She chose death over me. I had become something she hated and despised. Because of her I was ready to die. The Doctor died because of his companion, but I was born because the War needed me. I will fight to end the war, then I will die to save the universe. That is why I did this, to save the universe from the Daleks, the Time War.” He looked at her fully now. “No it wasn’t for my companion. It was for so much more. Regardless though, I am not the Doctor, I betrayed that name. I am the Renegade, the Warrior who will end the Time War.”

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She had, occasionally, pushed him to the edge. This looked like one of those times.  She was not fooled by the cool mask he wore, or the hard glint in his eyes.  She'd seen him loose control, and she'd weathered it well enough.

He pressed and pressed his point, the clench of his fists just daring her to argue with him.  Instead, she stood taller than any Dalek had under the weight of his ire.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm here then, isn't it?"  She challenged.

"So why exactly am I here?  Renegade?" 

Whatever terrible things had happened to him. Whatever Wars he had fought, she was not going to undo the damage in a single day.  However, she didn't have anything she had to so for the next few years other than get her friend straightened out.

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"Well, it's a good thing I'm here then, isn't it?"

Harsh words sprung to his mind on how pointless such a statement was. What change could one person, one human, make on him? He was a Time Lord, one who had seen countless friends and relatives die in the most horrendous ways, how could her being with him now make any difference? He knew though he needed her.

The Council would not have told him to get one former companion if that was not necessary. So instead of the harsh words he simply commented “That is yet to be seen. In time we shall find out.” He then calmly walked towards his console room before pausing and turning back to her at her next words.

"So why exactly am I here? Renegade?"

He looked at her calmly and smiled, at least being civil. “You are here because the Council told me to find and collect one of my former, the Doctor’s former, companions for an assignment to collect some artifact. They will tell me what the assignment is once we get into space and I inform them I have you.” With that said he continued towards the console room to do just that. He was having mixed feelings about Sarah Jane and he needed to sort those out.

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She followed him. She couldn't help it. She never could.

She studied the cant of his shoulders and the crisp in his voice.

She'd had little hope until she realized that he'd come looking for her. Out of everyone he'd come looking for her. Because he knew she'd help even if she had to get her hands dirty.  It wouldn't be the first time.  She doubted any of his other companions had seen quite such a dark side of him as her.  Nor been less judged for it.  Just as he'd been showing her how to get along without guns, she'd been trying to show him the value of occasionally crossing the line.  Those years ago, it had been she who had pushed for the destruction of the mewling infant Dalek.  She had torn one off his neck with her bare hands.

They reached the control room and she stuttered to a stop at the difference of it.   For the first time she really shuddered, thinking maybe she had lost her Doctor.  Not that that would change her resolve. It wouldn't have changed his.  He would not have turned from her if something had broken inside of her.

By the looks of things he had broken badly.  She wrapped her arms around herself, taking in this new look.

She spun at his words about the Council.

"The High Council? What are they holding over your head, Doctor to make you obey them?"